Monday, February 27, 2006

Satire, bitches

ATLANTA – Republicans in the General Assembly are gearing up for legislative action that will guarantee less state recognition and services for specific types of Georgia residents.

SB 3030, the “Getting Even With People We Don’t Like Omnibus Act,” targets gay evolutionist illegal immigrants who are opposed to oversized billboards featuring images of the Crucifixion and loudspeakers with looped recordings of Governor Sonny Perdue reading the Ten Commandments.  Gay evolutionist illegal immigrants who oppose Crucifixion billboards that play the Governor’s voice reading the Ten Commandments would be deprived of many state services, including driver’s licenses, health care, and public education.  They would also be charged an “oxygen fee” of $123.67 per liter of oxygen consumed in public areas.

“This is not an issue of discrimination,” said one Republican Senator who is backing the bill.  “These people are sucking up important state services from straight creationist Georgians who think gigantic religious billboards featuring the Governor reading Scripture are a pretty darn good idea.  And the oxygen user fee?  Give me a break!  It’s not like we’re charging them for breathing in their own homes, just public spaces where decent God-fearing Georgians need oxygen.”

One of the most controversial provisions of the new bill is a portion which also limits services available in the private sector.  If passed, gay evolutionist illegal immigrants will be unable to purchase movie tickets, high-octane gasoline, or DVDs featuring tractor pulls or ultimate cage fighting.  These provisions, however, only apply to gay evolutionist illegal immigrants, and the bill’s authors are quick to make that distinction.  “If you are not a gay evolutionist illegal immigrant who opposes ginormous billboards and the Governor reading Scripture, then your life will not be impacted,” said an aide to Governor Sonny Perdue.  “If you’re just gay, or just an illegal immigrant, then have no fear – we will merely continue to beat up on you in the ways you’re already familiar with.”  

Despite what some observers see as the overly draconian nature of the bill, supporters tout it as a model of efficiency.  “Sure, we could pass separate bills to persecute illegal immigrants, gays, evolutionists, and anyone liberal enough to support a wall between church and state,” said one Republican House member.  “But why would we?  This is a much better use of taxpayer dollars – we get ‘em all in one fell swoop.”

SB 3030 was introduced in the Senate Judiciary Committee at 1:37 a.m. Sunday morning, and committee members passed it only six minutes later – causing some opponents to cry foul and allege that the unanimous 436 – 0 committee vote was fraudulent.  

“There was plenty of time for all Senators to examine the bill closely, and the text of the bill was debated very thoroughly,” said one of the bill’s co-sponsors.  “Plus we had to wait for the committee chair to get out of the bathroom.  Otherwise, I think we could have gotten this one out of committee in under a minute.”

Following tomorrow’s vote by the full Senate, SB 3030 will be voted on in the House, where it is expected to pass by a margin of three trillion to negative 6 votes.  The bill will then proceed to Governor Sonny Perdue’s desk for his signature or veto.

Repeated calls to Democratic state legislators were not returned.  An intern with the Democratic Party of Georgia told reporters that Democratic legislators had been, “out to lunch since November 2002.”


GP said...

A state contract should be set up for companies that monitor oxygen consumption per liter. The process should be rigged so that only companies who donate large sums to important campaigns and PAC's can bid.

Publius said...

Ahhh...the Charles Walker stratagem...very crafty, sir.

monticello_pres said...

This hits much closer to home than the Gold Dome, don't you think?

Patrick Armstrong said...

What isn't mentioned in this article (and is proof of even further liberal bias in the media, you dirty hippies) is the Consumable Oxygen for Unfortunate Georgians Going to Hell Act, (COUGGH), which would give permanent oxygen relief to faithful Georgians who use their voices.

We shouldn't punish oxygen breathers for talking loudly and at lenghth, IMHO. Americans, and particularly Georgians, consider it part of our heritage to do so.

Some Democrats could probably be found, seated at their tony Midtown club, and if asked to comment, I bet one of the lattee sippers did venture to say that the COUGGH Act would only benefit the top 1% of oxygen breathers in the State. I bet they'd wring their hands and use that tired old line about most of us not having the lung capacity needed to qualify for the oxygen credit.

I've never even heard a more French sounding reason! Next thing you know, they'll be asking us to give all our oxygen to the terrorists.

Luckily we have one blond and overrated yet syndicated right wing columnist who was using good old fashioned common sense when she said the COUGGH legislation didn't go far enough.

"They could pay for the whole COUGGH Act just by refusing to let liberals breathe air. It's not like they have any oxygen going to their brains anyway."

That's what I'm talking about.

Publius said...

" This hits much closer to home than the Gold Dome, don't you think?"

What do you mean? Speaking of closer to home, I was going to do a piece about a certain commissioner introducing a Public Farting Ordinance, modeled on the smoking oridinace, but thought that might be in bad taste.

monticello_pres said...

That is precisely what I was getting at - that your "article" actually mirrored some of our local commissioners' approach at government as much as (if not more than) the Gold Domers.

Maybe Carl Jordan should run for either of Athens' Senate seats? That is assuming Rep Kidd doesn't pull off some legal coup.

andyrusk said...

...the oxygen ban is bullshit...

Publius said...

Oh...I thought you were implying that I was a gay evolutionist illegal immigrant.

monticello_pres said...

No... I don't think you are illegal.